Ponderings, premonitions, perfect names

I have mentioned how I have struggled throughout this pregnancy, just accepting it was real, though genuinely thankful to be given another opportunity to have this experience. It has seemed to go by quickly, and I guess due to the scare at the beginning when we weren't sure it was a viable pregnancy, I have just hesitated to get comfortable and couldn't assume that things would just be perfect today. I didn't feel dread, or fear, really, but just came to acknowledge yet again, how very much each life is a gift, and not to be assumed or taken for granted.

Thursday morning before the ultrasound, I really felt it was important to pray that we would happily receive whatever baby God planned for us, and I didn't mean a girl or boy. I have just gotten irritated lately when folks say well-meaning things like, "It doesn't matter if it's a girl or boy, as long as it's healthy." Of course, we all desire healthy children, but saying that sounds like we don't want the baby if it's not perfect. We know from personal experience, and many professional ones on James' part, that God can bless even through a baby who isn't perfectly formed in the world's eyes. Instead, we prayed a lot lately that we would be the right family for whoever God placed with us, and that that baby would be exactly who our family needed to care for. It's been amazing to hear even Isaac and Abigail pray similar things, especially Abi, when she has longed for a sister so much. When her prayers changed recently to asking God to give us the baby He wanted to, whether it was a boy or girl, I knew she was really learning and growing through all this.

I'm thankful for this journey. It's been so different with each baby, as any mom will say, I'm sure. Our becoming parents to Isaac, through fostering, and then adoption, was unique, mostly simple, and full of excitement and an easy adjustment. He already seemed like family, and just adapted to our home so well. The process of his being put into our family's life was so God, and how we were able to adopt him just still astounds me.

After years of trying and waiting for Abigail, my pregnancy with her was joyful and emotional. I was so amazed that I was actually finally carrying a baby, and so soon after becoming a mom to Isaac, that it was just incredible. She came a bit early at 36 weeks, but was perfect and healthy.

Then, we had several more years of waiting before Elijah. That was a painful process, of just being surprised at how hard it was again to feel that longing and not know if it would be fulfilled. The pregnancy was more difficult, and ended with bedrest, a placental abruption at 36 weeks, and a near-emergency C-section, so we were beyond thankful he just made it here fine. He was big and healthy too, and super laidback and snuggly.

We were just settling into life with these 3 when we were shocked to find out we were pregnant without trying to be, and so this pregnancy has been more full of doubts than the others. I think we are so used to the waiting and hoping that must give us time to adjust to enlarging our family, and without that this time, we have felt like we are playing catch-up emotionally! :-)

There has been this undercurrent in my thoughts that this baby may have issues, and that may be due to his iffy start - the concern over whether there was even a baby forming, and the joyous news when we found out he was there. But, I went into yesterday so prepared that even though I knew I was really pregnant, that we might hear something we haven't before, like the baby was sick or not developing normally, etc. When the tech told me as far as she could tell, he looked perfect, I really was overcome. It was just too much to take in. I hadn't cared really whether it was a boy or girl, and that statement just further reminded me how little the gender mattered. I know God asks some families to take on extra challenges, or face loss, after supposedly routine appointments like mine, and I just marvel that we have been so blessed to be given another healthy baby. I know things can change too, with the healthy of anyone in our family, and just appreciate the great health we have been given, and don't want to take it for granted. It's a blessing from Him, for sure.

So, the premonition part isn't about my psychic ability. :-) It's just neat how I felt like God gave me a glimpse of something this week before the appointment Thursday. Like I've mentioned, we have prayed and prayed as a family, for this baby's health, and who it would be, and how we wanted to be the right family for it. My only concern about whether it was a boy or girl, was related to Abigail, who has been so serious in her prayers for a sister, even before I was pregnant. James was even worried some that if the baby wasn't a girl, that she would feel disappointed in God. I was encouraged as the weeks have progressed, at her maturity and acceptance of God's plan, and not ours. I still was just praying that God would let me know ahead of time if he was a boy, to be able to comfort her and she was sad, and so I didn't show sadness for her, which I thought would upset her if she was really doing o.k.

Well, Wednesday night, before the appointment, she wanted to read at bedtime to me. I was tired, but agreed, wanting time to snuggle more with her, and talk about the next day. Isaac and Elijah were already asleep. She then chose a book to read, and it literally gave me chill bumps. I just smiled inside, and knew God had given me an answer. The title of the book was the only boy name we'd liked and had decided on as a family. The name for either sex would start with an O, and our girl name for months had been Olivia Hope. The only boy name that began with O that we really liked was Owen, and that was the sweet story she picked out that night. It's a precious story, and after she read it we talked about our baby, and prayed again for him or her. I asked her to please remember God knew who we needed and told her even if she was a little sad, that I hoped she could trust that God was doing the best thing. I felt like she was really peaceful about it all.

So, the next day during the ultrasound, I held her hand, and once we saw him, she just squeezed it, and smiled, and never wavered. I was so very thankful. I think if she'd looked disappointed, I would have cried for her, but she didn't. Her sweet spirit proved that maturity I'd prayed and hoped for, because even though she felt a little disappointment, she quickly focused on the fact that the baby looked great, and was who God decided we needed. There was no sad face or tears, and within no time, she was snuggling me and talking to her new little brother. I am so grateful for that. And, she quickly reminded me of his name and has talked about him ever since, with great joy. The big brothers are great too. Elijah snuggled on me during the ultrasound, and kept looking at the screen, and back to my tummy, saying, "Baby!" like he was making the connection somewhat. Isaac was thrilled, and said, "Finally, another boy!" to which we all shook our heads and reminded him we just had another boy.

Please pray for little Owen as he continues to grow. His name means "mighty warrior," and from the beginning of his life, he has had to fight just to prove he existed, so we think it's very fitting. We also pray he will be a strong man of God someday, whose faith will lead him every step of his life.